Diary of an inconsistent blogger - this should've been the name of my blog. But for me the most important factor for maintaining consistency will be peace. And here I am, going through an ever-increasing unrest, waiting for its disappearance. Three months of no work, almost no thought to no work, appearing and disappearing thoughts, to no work, persistent thoughts, to no work, increasing thoughts, to no work, entangling thoughts, to no work ,and complete clouding of mind - have rendered me incapable of writing or even thinking straight.
I've spent three months dreaming to be somewhere, and have ended up being somewhere else. I have never lived in Kolkata. For the next three years I won't be living here, too. But then, thinking and re-thinking about all the points I've considered to let myself go with the flow. Not going creates a risk of losing, but going never does. I know it, and I've known it for a long time. Then what is stopping me? Myself, indeed. A place is a place, and it hardly matters how wonderful it is if there is no string attached to it. With the best metros, widest roads, shiniest shopping malls it cannot appeal to me like a dirty humid city with less sophisticated amenities does, because the latter has everything I live on (including the materialistic things). There have been innumerable suggestions on why and how city 1 is the best for me (including suggestions of finding a good city 1 guy; I mean, do they understand that I wouldn't care less?), and I listened to all of them, with my unrest unchanged and lack of interest intact. But then I couldn't do what I wanted. I have no one to blame but myself, for the lack of courage to stay at a less reputed college leaving a higher ranking one. All throughout this process there was no calling back and I decided not to stay (none comes as a consequence of the other, both are simultaneous). There is no point in sitting and hoping for others to help you decide (People do that just to project the whole thing on others if anything goes wrong). I simply kept my options open to accommodate any sudden change. And I had to do nothing. Quite peaceful, eh? So here I am, getting ready for another voyage.
P says I'll be fine. She'll be there. A, B, C, D all say I'll be fine, they'll be there. And I believe I'll be there, if not fine. Lots of things have been left for time to grow or sustain or abolish (in the worst scenario) them. I'm just sleeping, and waking up. Ma is doing the packing. I'm thinking, well actually, not thinking. Baba is arranging the other things. I'm not thinking. I have been looking forward to too many things in the past months. Even last Friday, I was looking forward for the Saturday. On Saturday, I was looking forward for Tuesday. And in the next 12 hours, I won't have anything to look forward to for some months at least. Fine. My friends will be here living, working, laughing, smiling, catching up, and I'll get into it through Whatsapp. Fine. All trip plans will be postponed for three years. Fine. Everyone will go on with his or her own life, and I'll just get an update (bad or good). Fine. People promised to come to visit me, and that may prove to be classical promises (may not also). Fine. I might be replaced (no self-importance, only I know what I mean). Fine. In a nutshell, too many fine things will happen. And I'm not used to such a fine life. That's what is stopping me.
Anyway, beyond mockery and helplessness, there lies hope. Things may not be as I'm seeing them. I wish they are not. Dayanita Singh's book has helped me choose this title. (Well I copy-pasted). Every page of this book contains two opposite images-Images that mean two perfectly opposite things. That is why the name is so contradictory. Exact opposites lie together, embedded in each other most of the time. That's the whole point of my hope. Maybe going away will take me closer.
I've spent three months dreaming to be somewhere, and have ended up being somewhere else. I have never lived in Kolkata. For the next three years I won't be living here, too. But then, thinking and re-thinking about all the points I've considered to let myself go with the flow. Not going creates a risk of losing, but going never does. I know it, and I've known it for a long time. Then what is stopping me? Myself, indeed. A place is a place, and it hardly matters how wonderful it is if there is no string attached to it. With the best metros, widest roads, shiniest shopping malls it cannot appeal to me like a dirty humid city with less sophisticated amenities does, because the latter has everything I live on (including the materialistic things). There have been innumerable suggestions on why and how city 1 is the best for me (including suggestions of finding a good city 1 guy; I mean, do they understand that I wouldn't care less?), and I listened to all of them, with my unrest unchanged and lack of interest intact. But then I couldn't do what I wanted. I have no one to blame but myself, for the lack of courage to stay at a less reputed college leaving a higher ranking one. All throughout this process there was no calling back and I decided not to stay (none comes as a consequence of the other, both are simultaneous). There is no point in sitting and hoping for others to help you decide (People do that just to project the whole thing on others if anything goes wrong). I simply kept my options open to accommodate any sudden change. And I had to do nothing. Quite peaceful, eh? So here I am, getting ready for another voyage.
P says I'll be fine. She'll be there. A, B, C, D all say I'll be fine, they'll be there. And I believe I'll be there, if not fine. Lots of things have been left for time to grow or sustain or abolish (in the worst scenario) them. I'm just sleeping, and waking up. Ma is doing the packing. I'm thinking, well actually, not thinking. Baba is arranging the other things. I'm not thinking. I have been looking forward to too many things in the past months. Even last Friday, I was looking forward for the Saturday. On Saturday, I was looking forward for Tuesday. And in the next 12 hours, I won't have anything to look forward to for some months at least. Fine. My friends will be here living, working, laughing, smiling, catching up, and I'll get into it through Whatsapp. Fine. All trip plans will be postponed for three years. Fine. Everyone will go on with his or her own life, and I'll just get an update (bad or good). Fine. People promised to come to visit me, and that may prove to be classical promises (may not also). Fine. I might be replaced (no self-importance, only I know what I mean). Fine. In a nutshell, too many fine things will happen. And I'm not used to such a fine life. That's what is stopping me.
Anyway, beyond mockery and helplessness, there lies hope. Things may not be as I'm seeing them. I wish they are not. Dayanita Singh's book has helped me choose this title. (Well I copy-pasted). Every page of this book contains two opposite images-Images that mean two perfectly opposite things. That is why the name is so contradictory. Exact opposites lie together, embedded in each other most of the time. That's the whole point of my hope. Maybe going away will take me closer.
