My name..

When I was a kid, I did not like my name. Like all those kids who like others' toys more, I liked others' names more. I never found a movie where any character, even the housekeeper's one, had my name. The name was distorted by adding "ni" whenever it appeared in any song. There must have been other reasons, too, for my not liking my name. I don't remember them now. I fancied myself to be called something else. All my childhood books carried the sign of this dislike on their first page. I wrote some other name and pet name there. One example is my mother's Geetabitan where I wrote two or three names I made up for myself. When I think of it now, I feel like slapping myself for ruining those books. Anyway, cut to adolescence. Gradually I started growing fond of my name. I became friend with a girl in my class just because she had the same name. We still are almost best friends. That movie or song thing, which made me sad before, started to become a matter of pride. I found a way to feel different from others (though I was not much different actually. ;-) ). Then years passed. Studies, examinations, grades, career, and then relationships and break-ups left very little time for me to think over insignificant factors like my name. Now I'm on a break again. And so I have more than ample time to think of the evolution of my feelings regarding my name. I have missed some phases though, so I can't but thank my poor memory and lack of consistency. Whatever. I can clearly remember one thing that is I have always appreciated names which were of a certain kind. I've heard lots of names, some common, some uncommon. But the names which attracted me were those which were somehow neutral, not depicting any particular quality of a woman. There are names which describe a woman's eyes, or lips, or face, fragrance, fairness or something else all of which mean "beautiful" in some or other way. For example, sudarshana, kasturi, shweta, neelakshi, meenakshi, enakhshi and other akshi-s etc. And if there is a shortage of such names, add a "shree" to it to make it beautiful. It feels like beauty is a must-have thing. If you don't have it, not even in your name, you're a bit less feminine. Then come qualities. Females are preferred to be obedient, pious, groomed like an ideal subordinate to any household etc and that should somehow be reflected in their names. Once I went to a graveyard with a friend of mine. On the grave of a woman, a wife of someone, those very words were written to describe how good she was in her life. That was some hundred years ago. Today we don't use those words directly. We just name the kids. Girls carry in their names the society's desire for peace, happiness, beauty, holiness. No, I don't work for change. But whenever I see this, I hear these, I feel thankful that my parents did not put up their bit of expectation in my name. I am happy that I don't mean any of these that innumerable other girls mean. I am not named after any holy heroine of any epic. My name has no conflict with my being, my nature. I don't depict anything. I'm just an ordinary girl with an ordinary name.